I (heart) Kimberly

After much internal debate over why I was/am so stressed about next year and Brogan leaving PPCD at ACFT (too many acronyms for ya?) I dug deep and discovered my greatest fear isn't the down grade in Brogan's schooling, the lack of specialization they have over at WCE, not knowing the teachers, being unsure of how he would react to being in a bigger classroom setting. Yes, all of these thing gnawed at me. The only rational fear in there is not knowing on a personal first name basis his teacher. So what, I asked myself, is my real fear?
*gulps ... presses back tears*
It's losing Brogan's teacher Kimberly Moll. I am completely sincere when I say I have no idea what I would do without her.
I finally got past my complete aversion/reverence/nervousness/intimidation of her role as Brogan's teacher a few months into his attendance at ACFT and her coming to our home for his in home training bi-weekly. It was a huge hurdle.
Now I find her to be one of the easiest people I know to talk to in person on a regular basis. I love having her come over to teach Brogan, talk to me about what's going on, go way off topic and talk about ex-boyfriends and road trips, discuss Autism forums, debate what's best and what's not really working.
Beyond her being a fabulous sounding board and willing to help me find answers to elusive topics I just sincerely like her.

Oh ... and Brogan really likes her too.
She's going to be really hard to move on from next year ...
Maybe I'll figure out how to become her friend.
Is that awkward?
I've never willfully set out to be any ones friend before.
Kimberly, are you reading this?
Wanna be friends?
I'll clean your pool if you take care of my imaginary chocolate lab in the summers ...

It Gets Confusing...

Sometimes it's hard to keep all the terms straight, to know all the correct terminology, to fully understand what information you're getting, to know what the right path is to take.
For instance when Brogan was first placed in PPCD I was told that they had very high hopes for him to be "Mainstreamed" by kindergarten. I was under the mistaken impression this meant in with the general education classes with an aide. That definition, however, is actually what is applied when speaking of "inclusion education". The definition of "Mainstreaming" applies when students are placed in special education classes but "visit" general education classes for instruction and social activities with their typically developing peers.
We should have a review soon to discuss what the next couple of years look like for Brogan. I've been talking about how I want things to go with Kimberly and she thinks we should be able to find a solution for Brogan's schooling next year that I am comfortable with and is the best for Brogan. Seriously, with the classroom sizes bordering on 23 students in every school in the district ... something has to be done. Especially for students who will not be okay in larger classes with a lot of distractions.

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Today we went to Canton with Jerry's parents, sister in law and grandma. The last part of the day, the kids were worn out from walking for 7 hours, a wee bit cranky and ready to pack it in. Then Brogan saw the green trolley that shuttles people in between the three bigger areas in the market place. He immediately started repeatedly asking if we could ride the green trolley. Even going so far as to spell out green for me, you know so there wasn't any confusion as to what he wanted. Or something. Since I was also tired and ready for a sit down, I agreed.
He picked a seat near the front, waited for the trolley to start on its' route, stood up, cleared his throat and ...
"Ladies and Gentlemen! (Both hands swooping around). I am Brogan. (Both hands placed on chest) If you look over here (with a wipe sweeping motion), you'll see some ... (peering out window) elephants! They are big and gray ... " He continued on his little "tour" for a good 15 minutes, introducing invisible animals, giving random facts and entertaining the three bench radius. The only tour like this he has ever been on was when we went to the Animal Kingdom this past January ... I guess it really stuck with him. And I guess the fact that there actually was animals on THAT tour totally escaped him ;)

Specialton Mylint

After the little identity crisis we had with the Statue of Liberty I thought I may want to brush Brogan up on a few of the nation (that nation being the U S of A of course...) monuments. He has issues saying random words, none of them make any sense after he's butchered them.
This little problem came about when I showed him a picture of the Washington Monument. No matter how slowly I said the name it came back at me as this, "Specialton Mylint". Your who does what?

Word List

As of today, these are the words I know Brogan can read ...
dad, bad, fad, had, lad, mad, pad, sad, glad, all numbers up to 10, various colors, Brogan, mom, Rhiannon, dog

He also uses sign language when spelling his colors and numbers and insists I do the same.

Words I can spell out loud and he recognize: Yellow, blue, red, brown, Brogan, one, two, three

Mistaken Identity

This afternoon as Ms. Kimberly was walking Brogan to his pre-k class they passed a picture of the Statue of Liberty. Out of curiosity she asked him who that was. His response? "Jesus."
HAHAHAHHAA ooooh my. Too funny.

Draw me a trapezoid, mom

... this is what he asked me to do this morning. Seriously. He's four. No triangles for my boy. Oh no. Hexagons, Octagons, Pentagons and ... Trapezoids.
My answer of course was, "What do you say, Brogan?"
"Draw me a trapezoid please mom."
Then all I had to do was look up WHAT the shape he was talking about looked like. I thought it was a angled rectangle. Apparently not.

What's Your Last Name?

This summer I've been trying to teach Brogan random things he'll need to know sometime in the next year: recognizing how he feels in situations (was that scary or fun?), shapes, state and country flags, holding his crayons correctly, writing out his letters, telling me how many objects he has, his last name, ect.
The changes in him this summer have been fun to witness and be a part of. It's like I'm discovering a new Brogan every other week.
Just the other day we were at the pool and he asked if he could go down the "dark" slide (it's enclosed from top to bottom). I encouraged him to go for it and waited for him at the bottom. The first time I let Rhiannon go down the dark slide I could hear her screaming from about 2 feet into the tunnel all the way down. She has never gone on it again. So I was interested to see what he'd do. He's not scared of the dark, in fact, he often shuts himself into small, dark places with all his bedding and plays there for quite some time. But this situation is obviously different. So I see him head down, hear no screaming or thrashing and catch him as he swims over to me after he's thrust out the end. I look him over, he's slightly wide eyed, but no other expression graces his face. So I ask, "Was that scary or fun Brogan?" His immediate response? "Scary!" Me, curious, "So do you want to do it again?" Brogan, "Nnnnno!" Okay, so no enclosed water slides. Gotcha.
The funniest thing though, is trying to teach him his last name. I am not sure if he's messing with me or if he doesn't really get it. Cause when I just ask him his name, he'll say, "Brogan Wesley Crabb". But when I ask him what his last name is, he'll invariably say Lobster, Lizard, Tiger ... anything but Crabb. I get it. His last name is also a crustacean. So maybe he thinks they are interchangeable. Any animal will do.

Difficult to Say

This summer has been a mish mash of advancements, disappointments, laughter and frustration.
Brogan has advanced to being able to answer "yes" and "no" questions with deadly accuracy. You never have to wonder if Brogan wants to do things anymore. He VERY loudly announces his intentions either way.
He played well with his cousins on a one on one basis but became aggressive when placed in a group situation and the other child's attention was deviated from what they were doing. It was like he couldn't handle the distraction. Or didn't like sharing the attention of the person he had picked to play with.
Being around his 9 cousins this summer really helped his vocabulary and sentence structure. He rarely uses "canned" sentences anymore. As we approached Jasper National Park Brogan had his head out the window taking in the beautiful vistas, then all of the sudden he let out an audible gasp and exclaimed, "Oh Mommy, look at that mountains!" Later that evening as I was setting up camp he asked, "Go for a walk in the woods, Mommy?"
He has a remarkable memory for peoples names. People he'd met last year only once and only for a few hours, he remembered their names - and where they lived. It's a bit weird, in a good way.
He's started writing the alphabet, along with words. His favorite words to write to date are Blue and Clue. Obviously from Blue's Clues. You can give him any arrangement of letters and he'll put them in order.
Bad things ... he has become OBSESSED with coloring. On everything. Walls, toys, couch, tables, mattresses. Every time I catch him at it or find him doing it I sternly remind him that the only thing we write on is PAPER. That, however, had not been effective. At all. So not impressed.
Since we've been home he's become his old, aggressive self. At the library unless I am sitting there, reminding him every other minute not to hit/push/kick he's a little maniac. I don't know if it's because he's become bored since returning home, if I'm not feeding him often enough, or ... if he's just naturally a bully. I hate the last option. So we're going to pretend that's not even viable.

Canadian Summer

Calcium

Many people have asked me how I have added calcium to the kids diets since I cut Brogan off from milk products, I am going to assume it's out of curiosity and not a subtle hint that they think that I am not aware of the fact that children ... heck HUMANS need calcium. Do not be afraid, dear readers - I am infact aware of the importance of calcium for our skeletal systems and blood. I have done research on how much children in my kids age group need per day (800mg for those who are interested) and have strove to do my best to provide that for my kids. There is calcium in every possible thing my kids consume. I buy "diet" juices fortified with calcium, Sara Lee's Iron Kids bread, Spaghettio's with calcium ... For a while I tried to get Brogan to eat extra broccoli; that really didn't go over so well. He's a fairly picky eater. I am not a big fan of giving kids multi vitamins because they generally allow too much of a build up of unneeded supplements (if your kids are eating healthy, they shouldn't need them anyway), but I still needed an extra something. So I kept on searching. Then I found Viactiv. These tasty little "candies" are kid friendly with four different flavors and pack an impressive 500 mg of calcium per square. My kids love them. They think mom is giving them a special treat - so I feel like a fabulous mom ... and they get stronger bones in the process. Everyone wins!

He's Great

Sometimes, in moments of annoyance, I forget how great Brogan really is. It's odd, because his "naughty" behavior never really over shadows his generally great personality ... but sometimes I forget to mention it.
Brogan loves to help. He loves to be involved in everything you're doing. He's learning fairly quickly what order I like to have the dishes in the dishwasher, what baskets I want different color clothes to be in, how to help me rake up leaves (I bought him a little gardening set he absolutely LOVES) ...
On Saturday I attacked the back yard with a vengeance. I figured since Jerry was fixing my truck the least I could do was ease his yard work load. I started out mowing the lawn, which Brogan was more than eager to help me do. So I threw some pants and sunglasses (protective eye wear?) on him and let him walk beside me. Then we started in on the bushes. I stripped the branches off and he would then drag them over to the corner "burn" area. He actually came up with a very productive way to do that when he grabbed his wagon and started piling the branches on top of that, then pulling that over to off load. Smart kid.
He's also started to want to be around people more. Yesterday after lunch he choose to watch a movie. After he had it all set up he came running into the laundry room and asked, "Watch a movie, Krista?" (yeah, it's odd. He's always alternating between calling me mommy and Krista. Still not sure why.) I was a bit confused because he has been able to work the DVD/VHS by himself since he was like 2. I however let him take my hand and followed him into his room where the movie was already playing. He scrambled onto the bed, turned around beaming at me, then laughed, "Come sit with me mommy!" I sat down beside him, he automatically stuck his foot out so it was touching me (he does this when he's sleeping too. He has REALLY hot feet!) and went back to watching his show in blissful silence. Turns out he just wanted me there not two doors down.
Brogan loves contact. Most of the time he doesn't know how to initiate it, but with me ... he'll call from the front of the house where he's playing to where ever I am "Tickle me, mommy!" He's not just trying to get me to play with him, he really does want to be tickled. I don't think it's so much the attention that he loves as the pressure. Because there are times he will just fling himself down on top of me, wrap his arms around me and squeeze. When I squeeze back, he squeals with pleasure.

Ode to Brogan

To see captions, mouse over pictures

My heart ached

for Brogan this evening. Jerry headed out to his parents this afternoon to work on my truck, so the kids and I decided to forgo (alright, it was more a me decision than a we) the Friday Pizza tradition. I took them over to Mc-Arteries-are-Hardening because they love playing there and I have a fantastic book I am reading. We were there for almost 3 1/2 hours, most of that was spent with the kids playing peacefully.
There was a point I looked over at Brogan, looking longingly at a group of four boys chatting and playing away together. As Brogan circled round and round the play log staring down the boys I saw his arms reach out time and time again almost in agitation. Then he'd quickly pull his arms back to his sides, eventually folding them over one another, almost like that would tamp down his desire to join in. Being the mom, I sooo wanted to go over there and introduce him to the group of boys and hope they accepted him and let him play with them. I realized before I made a move that doing this would not help Brogan. I had to let him make this move on his own, he has to learn how to initiate play in a non-aggressive way. My heart ached, tears came to my eyes. But I could not do this for him.
A few minutes later a grandmother of another boy approached me and asked if the boy in the striped blue shirt was my son. You know the tone. Or maybe you don't. It's the tone of a very disapproving adult regarding your child, the "Look what your child has done. Make them stop before I slap you." Since I had not seen Brogan do anything to this boy, I was a bit confused and confessed (haha, that sounds like I did something wrong) that he was indeed my child. She went on to tell me that Brogan kept tapping his head against her grandson's head while they were in the play structure. He wasn't actually hurting the other boy, just making him scared and agitated. So I discussed the "playing" do's and don'ts to Brogan (again) and set him free. Then apologized to the grandmother and moved away to see what the results would be. Miraculously, the two boys then paired up like peas in a pod. Running around together, rolling around on the ground, climbing all over the play structure. My son, playing with another child (Rhiannon doesn't count). It's miraculous.

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

I'm still laughing because he's still singing. This morning Brogan's school was canceled due to a raging storm we had last night that knocked out power in a lot of different areas around here - including his school. So he came with me to do various errands, always a huge help. On our way home Gwen Stefani's song "Hollaback Girl" came on. I know what it's about, I've read the lyrics (the station I was listening to plays the "clean" version") ... I still like the beat, so I turned it up. Mid-song Brogan starts chiming in at the chorus "EAT bananas B A N A N A S" hahaha

Echolalia

...is the repetition of vocalizations made by another person.

Delayed echolalia has been defined as the "echoing of a phrase after some delay or lapse of time". Persons with autism who repeat TV commercials, favorite movie scripts, or parental reprimands are examples used in describing this phenomenon. It may or may not be communicative.

Brogan expands on the general base of repeating not only vocalizations of other people, but sounds they make (he cannot snap his fingers, so he makes the motion with his hands and imitates the sound with his tongue). He can also very accurately repeat any animal vocalizations and vehicle sounds.

Autism: The Musical

This special aired on HBO this week.
I know I will always be sensitive towards this topic because of the obvious, but it still stuns me to realize how deeply things like this special move me. To feel the tears welling up and pouring down my cheeks in rivers as I hear other parents echoing my sentiments. See other people struggling with the same issues I do. Knowing, even in this, I am not alone.

To see bits and pieces of your child represented in other infinitely unique and special children.
To know other children are going through, have gone through and will continue to carry on the same as your child.
Is heart breaking.

There is one line in particular I object to venomously, it's uttered by one of the children's care takers. She says, "... it really breaks my heart when I kind of realize, wow... if he wasn't Autistic, you can just imagine the possibilities". If I were that child's mother - I'd find him another care taker. SHE may just be the one holding him back *mutters a curse word in her general direction*.

Cute:
Boy #1: "You are very smart!" (after listening to boy #2 talk about reptiles)
Boy #2: "Thanks! I always wanted to hear that..."

Sad:
Mom: What does Autism mean?
Daughter: It means something is damaged inside you

Mom: It makes me feel scared. It makes me feel responsible. It makes me feel ... sad.

Another: I want the world to welcome her and they don't ... I can try to enlighten them; but I cannot make them respect her.

Father: I always try to dream up a scenario for the future. I'm gone and she's going to be okay because ... what? What did I do now to make sure that's going to happen?

Boy: (the first words he's able to communicate, at 11 years old, via a typing voice box) "Mom, I'd like to put you on the spot."
"Be more of a listener."

Sensory Integration

It is almost impossible to keep Brogan still for more than a couple of seconds unless he is completely absorbed in what he is doing/watching. Keeping him seated and focused is a struggle both Kimberly and I have. Recently she requested we start a new type of therapy that integrates various items to keep him concentrated on what he's doing more than what he wants to be doing. The first thing she uses is a wiggle seat that requires him to concentrate on staying balanced in his seat rather than getting up, playing with various body parts or articles of clothing. She says this method seems to be going rather well, there are times he does get up but when she requests he sit back down he does immediately. He also needs Vestibular Input because he shows signs of: being a "thrill seeker" (loves jumping from high places), has trouble staying seated, prefers to lie down rather than sit up, enjoys being upside down, loses balance frequently. To help balance out the needs of his brain they weigh his body down, switching between a weighted vest for an hour at a time and a weighted lap pad when he is sitting. At first I thought it was to wear them out (haha, no seriously, I couldn't figure out why they'd else they'd put weight on a child); but after researching the topic I discovered it actually brings them comfort (or will after they adjust to it). Right now, Brogan doesn't look nearly as pleased about using the lap pad as the little girl in the picture - but at least he's stopped trying to take off the weights as soon as they are placed on him.

I love you Mama

It's been said that kids with Autism have a hard time expressing their feelings, which overall, is true. Brogan has a hard time vocalizing anything. Wants, needs, likes, dislikes - forget about expressing his feelings.
This hasn't been a huge issue with us, he's not overly volatile, mostly goes with the flow and rarely has emotional flare ups because of his inability to express what he wants or needs. Which is huge, if I had a lot to say but didn't know how to express it vocally, I'd be throwing tantrums like you never saw!
From time to time I have wished for him to spontaneously tell me he loves me, but have been able to assuage the disappointment in that with the fact that a lot of kids aren't as affectionate as he is. His snuggles, kisses, and hugs make up for a whole lot.
This afternoon, he brought me to tears. I leaned over and gave him some kisses on his neck as he was playing with his farm animals and he giggled. Then he put his hand on the side of my head as I was pulling away, looked me in the eye with a quirky smile on his lips and said, "I love you Mama!"

Piston Cup

It's no secret that Brogan's favorite movie is "Cars". He can quote the movie verbatim when he wants to, spurting out random lines now and again usually in very appropriate places. The other day as I was making lunch he asked if we could go to the zoo, I explained to him that we couldn't that day because there wasn't enough time between that time and when we had to pick up Rhiannon. He seemed to consider that for a moment then said, "Oh, come on! You'll LOVE it!" (Mater to McQueen about tractor tipping). I started laughing and replied, "Be that as it may, we still can't go Brogan." He laughed, grabbed his sandwich and ran off.
The most ... disturbing use of his vocabulary came the other day as he was rub a dubbing away in my shower (there's a reason I like to shower at the gym - I get to shower without interruption!) when he grabbed one of the cups he likes to play with in there, peed in it, starred it down then exclaimed, "Piston (or maybe pissed in) cup!" Since I didn't think he understood the joke on CARS when Mater says, "He did what in his cup?" ... I am left wondering what did he mean? Hmmm, curious.
He loves imitating those around him also. Since I am around him the most that generally means he is imitating ME. This evening we were getting ready to go to a "Sweetheart Dance" at Rhiannon's school put on by the spectacular PTA. I had blow dried my hair and was straightening it after our shower. I glanced over as I was doing the last "flippies" to the end of my hair to see him trying to figure out how to turn on the blow drier. I figured it couldn't hurt ...